My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
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Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.