Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
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Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
🚲+physics = winner
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
the greatest twitter interaction
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.