The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
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just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]