Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Breaking news:
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.