I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
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I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
😂😂
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.