I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Rambo Rambow
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”