I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
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I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Oops I deleted….
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.