Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
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doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
do mermaids get waxed or descaled