Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
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*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.