Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
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The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.