T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
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Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Yup!
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.