HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
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I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Interior design 👌
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.