[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Um … Hot Wings please
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
m’lady
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.