Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
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ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
🤣🤣💀
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
New favorite tiktok
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine