If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
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HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*