We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
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Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
#merica
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant