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I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed