My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
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God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!