The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
This is enough internet for the day.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”