How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
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On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.