To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
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8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.