Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
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me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us