guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
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13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
i choose….tongue
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham