GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
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I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
How dude HOW?!
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I need to get some bricks…
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok