Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
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I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
(Electricians.)
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
haha same
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.