Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
You Might Also Like
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”