If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
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Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.