If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Meow?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.