3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
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*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
A man of commitment.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Rt to bother an English speaker
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above