Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
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the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*