Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
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Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Just this preview of the story is enough
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
choose your fighter
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST