[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.