Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
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coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone