*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
That de-escalated quickly
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.