[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
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My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.