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My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.