I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
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GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Just this preview of the story is enough
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so