If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
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My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don鈥檛 give a shit
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I鈥檓 tired of 19 year olds thinking they鈥檙e special for being hot. You鈥檙e 19 You鈥檙e supposed to be hot. Call me when you鈥檙e 45 and hot.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 馃檨
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I鈥檓 just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend