Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
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I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.