This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
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I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Yup
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok