I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
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There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.