Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
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If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?