The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
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CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
These aliens are taking forever.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”