Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂