guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
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Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
President The Rock Obama
BRAKING NEWS!!
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.