Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
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Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.