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Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Florida be like…
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Thursday Thought.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.