My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
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I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
a god among men
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy