Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
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me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
wtf is a larm clock?
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Nice try Hitler
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
When news reporters do sports stories
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
🛁
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.