I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
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Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth